Quick! Who’s the best manager you’ve ever worked for? Picture him or her in your mind. Now think: what made you pick this person?

OK, now: Who was the worst manager you’ve ever had? Do the same thing: visualize working for this person while thinking about what made them so horrible.

I can’t guarantee it, but if I had to guess, one of the key differences between these two people was that the good manager actually listened to you, while the bad one didn’t.

Am I right?

When the good manager listened to you, how did it make you feel? Valued? Validated? Respected? Trusted? Confident? Engaged? Empowered? Smart?

And how did the bad manager make you feel most of the time? Probably the exact opposite.

So if you’re a manager — or even if you’re not — look yourself in the mirror and answer this question honestly: Are you a good listener?

More importantly, if you asked other people that question, what would they say about you? If you’re interested in becoming a better manager -- and a more effective leader -- you might find it valuable to revisit how, how often, and how well you listen.

When we do 360 degree evaluations, "Listening" is very often one of the categories that most managers rate themselves the highest in...while others around them rate them the lowest. In other words -- this is where we find the biggest gap: Between the ears. 

Good Leaders Listen

Early in my career, I temped in the PR department of a major Hollywood studio. Despite the excitement of working on a studio lot, the job, itself, was mind-numbingly boring, consisting mostly of answering phones, taking messages, and making copies. If you’ve ever temped, you know what that’s like to sit there all day, watching the minutes drag by, while your brain turns to mush. Especially if you aspire to doing something a little more creative and stimulating with your life.

One afternoon, one of the department managers came running out of her office, frantically looking for a PR rep to proofread and edit an urgent press release that needed to go out.

Finding the office empty (with the exception of yours truly sitting there doing nothing), she barked at me: “Where the hell is everybody?” I told her that they were all out to lunch, but that I’d be more than happy to take a crack at it. Without even looking at me, she snarled: “What are you talking about? You can’t do this: you’re just a temp.”

I tried to tell her that I had a B.A. in English, a Master’s degree in Communication, and a year’s experience working for a top New York ad agency, but she just didn’t have any interest at all in listening to me. She left the press release draft on my desk, told me to give it to the first PR rep I saw, and dashed out to a meeting.

The press release draft was a mess. It was badly written, poorly structured, and filled with grammatical and spelling errors. With nothing else to do, I took it upon myself to re-write it...just as an exercise to alleviate my boredom.

When one of the PR reps finally got back, I explained the situation to him and gave him both the original copy and my revised version — without telling him I was the one who did it. His response regarding my revision: "This looks fine -- what's the problem -- just send it out!" So they sent my version out to print...without making a single edit. And no one ever knew -- or asked -- who did it.

This department was always short-handed, overworked, and in need of help. And I was right there in front of them -- ready, willing, and able. I tried numerous times to bring this to their attention, but my offers to assist went unheard, as no one was willing to listen.

A week later, I was hired -- full-time -- to work as an assistant to a comedy writer/producer at Disney. On my first day on the job, I asked him what made him hire me over three other candidates with stronger resumes. His response: “During the interview, you asked really good questions. And no one else did. You struck me as a good listener; and I need someone who knows how to listen.”

So, asking and listening -- not telling -- is what got me that job.

And I soon discovered that having a manager who was willing to listen to me made him a pleasure to work for. 

The simple lesson: To be a better manager – or just a better human being – it doesn't hurt to try being a better listener.

8 Quick Tips for Becoming a Better Listener: L-I-S-T-E-N-U-P!

Look at the person: Make eye contact. Pay attention to facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. There’s an old saying that we have two ears and one mouth, so we should spend twice as much time listening as talking. Management guru Peter Drucker said that “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” And that can only happen if we make the time, and take the time, to truly stop, look, and listen.

Inquire: Ask questions. Ask follow-up questions. Delve deeper. Seek examples. Use paraphrasing and summary clarification to validate understanding. When someone asks you a question, don’t just answer the question — care enough to answer the question behind the question. And when you listen to the response, actively listen to gain true understanding...rather than just selectively listening or listening to respond.

Show that you’re interested: When someone is talking to you, it’s important to physically demonstrate that you value the speaker -- as well as what’s being spoken. Put yourself in their shoes, try to see things from their point of view, and listen with empathy. Engage them in dialogue to make them feel like they’re the most important person in the room. But it must be done genuinely and sincerely -- or it doesn't count. People can see right through you when you're faking it.

Treat the person with respect: Even if you disagree with what they're saying, and may not even like the person, show respect for their viewpoint, and express appreciation for their candor and their contributions. Seek to connect with them on a human level, and on an equal level – person-to-person – regardless of title, status or position -- even if you are more knowledgeable or experienced. If you treat them with dignity and respect, you will earn their trust and respect in return. And that will open up the lines of communication even further.

Encourage the other person: Engage them in dialogue and empower them to speak their mind without hesitancy, self-censorship, or fear of retribution. Create an environment of dialogue, exchange, interaction, openness, honesty, self-disclosure, vulnerability, and trust. Especially when communicating with an introvert, as it may take a little more to get them to open up.

Never make someone regret that they opened up to you: Once you lose the person's trust and damage or destroy the relationship, it’s almost impossible to get it back. Allow the other person to be vulnerable, and be willing to display your vulnerability as well. Maintain confidences and confidentiality. Don’t gossip or talk behind anyone’s back. And follow the “Vegas Rule”: What’s said here, stays here.

Understanding is your primary objective: It’s not enough to simply hear the words being said; you must get at the meaning and the intent of those words. Listen not only with your ears, but with your eyes, your brain, your head, and your heart. When listening, it's not all about YOU; it's all about the other person.

Put your smartphone down: This might be our biggest obstacle to true listening in this day and age. We’re so busy with our devices that we ignore the person (or people) right in front of us. Ask yourself: Is the person on the other end of your device more important than the person (or people) right there in the room with you? If not, put the phone down. Seriously, put it down. Face down. Or in a pocket or drawer or briefcase. Be present. Be focused. Be here now. And give the person speaking to you your undivided attention. Isn’t that what you would want? We both know it is.

In closing, many managers feel and act as if their job is to do all the talking and to have all the answers. But the best leaders know that they don't. They recognize the value and the power of leveraging the collective brain power of the people around them -- and this only happens when we make the time, and take the time, to listen. 

Steve Jobs said that we shouldn't hire smart people only to tell them what to do; we should hire smart people so that they can tell us what to do.

So, for a leader, listening requires self-awareness, time, effort, vulnerability, and courage.

As Winston Churchill so eloquently put it: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

With all the thousands of business books out there on the shelves to choose from, my NYU students, clients, and others often ask me, “If I were to read only ONE business book to help me be more effective, what should it be?”

To me, the answer is clear and simple: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey who just passed away this week.

In short, the 7 Habits are:

1. Be proactive: Don’t wait for things to happen; take action to MAKE them happen;

2. Begin with the end in mind: Start with a preconceived vision and goal;

3. Put first things first: Prioritize and plan;

4. Think “win-win”: Strive for a mutually beneficial relationships and outcomes;

5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood: Listen to, empathize with, and focus on others;   

6. Synergize: Work collaboratively to leverage the power of joint contributions;

7. Sharpen the saw: Recharge & refresh.

While the first six are pretty much self-explanatory (although far easier said than done!), the last benefits from some explication:

Long story, short… Two guys are out in the forest chopping wood from dawn til dusk. One of them goes non-stop for hours without a break, assuming that’s the best way to maximize his output. But as is turns out, at the end of the day, the other guy – the one who kept stopping and disappearing many times throughout the day – ends up being the one with the far bigger wood pile.  “How can that be!” the first guy asks, “Where did you keep going?” To which the other replies, “To sharpen my saw!”

So the message of Habit 7 is that while we literally need to be sure to keep our tools sharp, metaphorically it reminds us that we need to both mentally and physically make the time and take the time to recharge and refresh.

Covey later added an additional habit, in his book, “The 8^th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness” in which he encouraged people to “Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.”

Unfortunately (as my brother Steve pointed out), with his passing there will, alas, be no “9^th Habit.”

In the spirit of full disclosure, one thing about his work that must be noted is that Covey did not originate all of the ideas that he espoused; however, he did popularize them, reaching a global audience the size of which few business authors in history, other than Dale Carnegie, have ever achieved.

I guess it could be said that Stephen Covey was the Dale Carnegie of his generation.

In closing, one identifying feature that both Carnegie and Covey have in common is that while much of their work, and many of their principles, have sometimes been minimized by elitists as being “nothing more than just plain common sense,” I think we’ve all seen, as the saying goes, that common sense is not always common practice.

So towards that end, Stephen R. Covey led the way in helping us all to maximize our performance, productivity, and potential.